


Self-Discovery

by Origami_Roses



Series: To Save the World [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:35:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28631103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Origami_Roses/pseuds/Origami_Roses
Summary: Loki's backstory forTo Save the World. I realized that much of this was not specifically relevant to the main storyline I was working up to, so it's been moved here. The Loki-specific parts of To Save the World have been copied and slightly expanded here, so if you started there, the first couple chapters will be mostly familiar.
Series: To Save the World [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2098179
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

Frigga awoke with a start, visions of fire and destruction fading as the pale light of dawn filtered through her consciousness. It was obvious that this was no mere dream. Though she had the gift of Foresight, it seldom brought her visions without her deliberately seeking them. That alone made this all the more concerning.

A glance at Odin showed that his sleep was undisturbed, and she gratefully slid out of bed without waking him and made her way directly to her private garden, a quick glamour her only concession to propriety. Soaking in the peace of the secluded sanctuary, she let her awareness fade into a light trance state and reviewed the vision she had seen. 

Death. 

Destruction. 

Despair permeated the very air in the future she had been shown, and an aura madness sparked and coiled around the chief players. It was often difficult to judge how far ahead these random glimpses ranged, but this one was likely centuries ahead.

No... _these two_.

Further meditation divided what she had seen onto two distinct futures. Both had the same flavor of despair and madness. Both held the same face - in one as a harbinger of death, in one as a defender of life. 

Loki. 

Much older than his current 417, but undeniably her sweet, mischievous child as he could become. Her heart clenched in pain at the thought of him turning into the raging monster she had seen, and ached equally at the horror he faced down as a saviour. 

With a sigh, she let the visions go and returned to herself. She had been given a warning, a choice; a chance. She had not been shown where the paths diverged, however. That would require her own work and efforts at future-scrying to untangle. Head held high, she made her way back to her chambers to properly prepare for the day ahead. She had much work to do. 

***~~~**~~*~*~~**~~~***

Odin glowered at his wife. How could she seem so unconcerned at the news she had just brought him? And _why_ had she allowed several days to elapse between her vision and telling him of it? And now this... this... imbecilic, irresponsible suggestion!? "You have seen Loki bringing Ragnarok! And you wish me to let him out of my sight? He needs to be controlled, that he not be given the chance to unleash such madness upon us!"

"You mistake my words, husband mine: I have seen that Loki stands at a crossroads. If he stays here under your thumb, he will, indeed, become a tool in bringing destruction enough to deserve the name Ragnarok, but it will have been _your_ choices that drive him to it, seeking to force him into an ill-fitting mold of your choosing. _You_ will ultimately be the underlying cause of his self-destruction taking all of Asgard, possibly all of the Nine, with him. As King of Asgard, it is your duty to your people to turn his feet to the other path I have seen for him. If not for his own sake, then for theirs." Frigga replied. She had long known that Odin cared little for the son he had adopted, but for him to accept only the dire future as valid was beyond the pale. She knew the futility of appealing to him as a father, but as a king he could perhaps be persuaded. "You wish his loyalty to remain yours, do you not? Even as young as he is, he shows great potential as a Seidr user. It is knowledge he craves, not prowess at arms. It would work far better in your favor to give him the tools and support to flourish in his own way. You cannot deny that a loyal, powerful mage would serve you far better than an unmotivated armsman, which is the direction he is currently being pushed."

"Aesir are warriors! Battle-prowess is why we are the best, and why we shall remain so. Asgard cannot afford a prince who cannot hold his own in a fight."

"...and yet, for all that you pretend otherwise and refuse to tell him, Loki is not Aesir. He does well in his arms training, but his true talents lay elsewhere. As for holding his own, you know well enough that a skilled battle-mage is a formidable opponent. You have faced such in battle, yourself. I repeat, Odin-King, All-Father, there are calamities coming which Loki has nothing to do with bringing, but would be a staunch ally in opposing IF you will permit him to grow into _himself_. Bringer-of-Destruction, or Protector-of-the Realms; it should _not_ be such a difficult choice."

After much grumbling and further argument, Odin finally acceded to Frigga's plan. It had become obvious, now, to her that he was hiding more than she knew and would probably try to twist this entire situation to benefit some murky plan of his own, but the initial course was set. Hopefully it would continue well.

***~~~**~~*~*~~**~~~***

Loki hated sparring practice. He didn't mind the work. He enjoyed the strength and stamina he was developing. Learning to wield weapons was useful, and the feeling of performing a move perfectly was satisfying. No, what he hated was the _people_. 

He already knew he was small and slight for his age group, it's not like they were telling him anything _new_ when they teased him for it. At least Thor was in the group above him. It was bad enough that Thor was always given preference at home. If he'd had to compete with him in lessons as well, ... well, he's not sure _what_ he'd do, but the teasing would be even worse, he's sure. 

The instructors weren't much help, either. They'd reprimand anyone who overtly tried to physically bully him - at least outside of the practice ring, but the snide remarks and not-so-teasing insults were allowed to pass unremarked upon. Any hits he took inside the ring were similarly allowed, regardless of how hard or whether they were strictly 'legal' strikes. The first few years hadn't been too bad, but as little things went unpunished his tormentors gradually got bolder and worse, pushing the boundaries to see what they could get away with. Now, more than a decade later, it was approaching unbearable. There were few of his age-mates he could stand, and none who stood up for him in any way. 

He understood that none of them wanted the attention of his bullies, he really did, but it still hurt that no one had even so much as a kind word or a sympathetic pat on the shoulder to offer him. He frequently lost practice bouts as his slight stature made wielding some of the heavier weapons they were required to learn that much more difficult. He'd likely never be proficient with a mace or war hammer, much less the great two-handed swords. His preferred close-fighting weapons were daggers and short swords, and he won most of the rare bouts he was allowed to fight using them. He was better-than-average with a bow and javelin, scoring well on all ranged tests. 

It never mattered.

Time outside of weapons practice was divided into the bearable and the enjoyable. 

His golden, favored brother often demanded his presence in the hours their free time overlapped. Thor was noisy and exuberant, but not bad company. If Loki could have had the time with just Thor, he might even have classified it as enjoyable. It was the eternal presence of Thor's friends that made it merely bearable. Not sharing sparring lessons with them didn't spare him the comments and insults - though they _were_ usually delivered in a lighter manner as though it were truly in jest. They still hurt. And Thor never once called them on it, telling Loki instead that he was being overly sensitive and shouldn't object to "friendly" teasing. At least most of the time they simply ignored him. That was better than constant needling. 

His other lessons, however, he _enjoyed_. The thrill of learning new things - history, technology, economics, diplomacy... all of it was interesting, and the fact that he had those lessons privately was _the best_. Sure, he shared many of them with Thor, but still, there was no one else there to tease him or whisper insults at his back just softly enough for the instructor to pretend not to notice while being perfectly audible to him. Thor's occasional glower at their tutors' praise when Loki gave a better or quicker answer was a small price indeed for the joy of learning. And his most favorite lessons were the ones he shared with no one else - magic. Seidr manipulation. Meditation. He'd started those when Thor had first been sent to classes and he had missed his brother. Frigga was his chief tutor, though he occasionally had other teachers for short periods of time when her other duties took her away or for specific lessons. Once he had started formal classes himself, the magic lessons had been moved to afternoons. At first he'd mourned the loss of free time, but that hadn't lasted long. Magic was simply too fascinating. And these days, any valid excuse to spend less time around Thor's friends was welcome. He'd even started haunting the library once his lessons finished, just to prolong the delicious absence of _people_ for an extra hour or so. 

So when Mother started his lesson with the announcement that she had talked Odin into allowing him to be fostered on Alfheim for a couple decades in order to learn their magics he was both ecstatic and worried. 

New magics! New teachers! A library rumored to hold one of the most comprehensive collections of Seidr-related knowledge in the Nine! How exciting!! He had come across records of Elven Battle Mages, and the possibility of Seidr being used as a weapon appealed to him in ways he couldn't articulate, and was something Frigga couldn't teach him. 

But new people. New places where he didn't know the best escape routes or hiding spots... As much as he hated where he was, at least he already knew who to avoid (... and sure, that was 'everyone' but, still...) and how best to get away. 

Frigga picked up on his unease and the lesson on casting illusions was soon filled with illustrations of where he would be staying and who he would be with. Loki had met very few Elves, and it was nice to see that they didn't all have the tall-and-bulky look that got Thor favored among the Aesir. Elves seemed to come in a wider range of sizes and colors. Perhaps it wouldn't be quite as bad. Perhaps it would even be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

Loki was packing the last few items he would be taking with him to Alfheim. It still didn't seem real that he was leaving his home, off on a Grand Adventure that had nothing to do with the bloody-minded conquests that Thor fantasized about. He was glad Frigga had decided to put off telling Thor that Loki was getting his very own adventure.

"NO! He _can't_ go!" Thor's voice echoed down the hall.

...and it seemed that she had just told him. Joy. Perhaps he could just... make himself invisible? Or maybe go down to the kitchens to say his farewells to his favorite cook and cadge a few cookies... that seemed like a much better plan.

***~~~**~~*~*~~**~~~***

Frigga looked at her son in disapproval. "You have no say in the matter, Thor. The All-Father has approved this, Loki agreed to it, and that is final."

"But he's _MY_ brother! He belongs _here_ with _ME_!" Thor didn't quite stamp his feet at his mother, but he was sorely tempted to. How could she do this to him?!?

"Loki _is_ your brother, but the only part of that relationship that belongs to you is the care you give and the love between you. Loki himself does not belong to you in any way, and you have no right to act as though he is some favored toy being taken away from you." Frigga responded calmly but firmly. Really, she hadn't realized Thor viewed Loki as some sort of possession, and found herself all the happier that she'd talked Odin into a few decades' fostering for Loki. The separation could only do him good.

Thor glowered at the floor, unwilling to meet his mother's eyes as he sullenly growled "But he's my _brother_. It's my responsibility to protect him. I can't do that if he's not right here."

...maybe it wasn't quite as bad as she'd thought, then. Though with what little she'd observed, Thor was a terrible protector. "Loki will be safe, Thor, I promise. He will also be learning better ways to protect himself; you need not worry so."

"But he's _terrible_ at arms! Loki _always_ loses unless he cheats! He _needs_ me!" ... Ok, it was every bit as bad as she'd thought, just in a slightly different way.

Fixing her eldest with a stern glare, Frigga stated the truth Thor (and Odin) didn't want to hear: "Using Seidr is NOT cheating, Thor, it is merely a different type of weapon and Loki has won several bouts even without using his Seidr. He is stronger and more capable than you think, and needs space and time away from your narrow view of him to grow. End of discussion. You have this afternoon to say your farewells, I suggest you use the time wisely instead of wasting it on this childish temper tantrum."

Still grumbling, Thor stomped his way to his brother's room. Loki was staring out the window, seemingly oblivious to his entrance. Having the illusion dissipate as soon as Thor tried to grab its arm and drag his brother off so he couldn't leave _didn't_ put him in a better mood. (But being presented with fresh baked cookies an hour later when he finally found the real Loki in the kitchens helping fold delicate pastries with deft fingers did. ...as did a sampling of the pastries.)

***~~~**~~*~*~~**~~~***

Loki liked Alfheim. He had much more freedom here, staying with a minor noble family Frigga had known for centuries while studying the basics of Elfen magic. Their views on Seidr and how to harness it were _different_ from the Vanir methods he'd been taught by his mother. Some things made a great deal more sense their way, and some things just ...didn't. He was also getting lessons on Alfheim's history (SO different from Asgard's version of the history of the Realms), and InterRealm diplomacy in addition to continuing weapons training and most of the lessons he'd had in Asgard. (Though there were some notable differences there, too.) 

Unlike in Asgard, however, no one mocked or bullied him - neither for his preference in weapons, nor for asking questions and taking a bit more time to understand some new point. He was not looking forward to the yearly return to Asgard Odin had insisted on. 

He was not at all homesick, though he missed his mother and occasionally wondered how Thor was liking having the tutors all to himself with no one (i.e. Loki) to embarrass him by being a better student. It was a change, not only to have several classmates, but to be the slower one in some of his studies. It wasn't too hard to adjust, though. His teachers were willing to make time after classes to explain in more depth if his need to know was slowing or derailing the lesson too far. It was nice. More than nice. 

Even nicer, he had peers who seemed to _like_ being around him. He thought maybe they even counted as friends. People laughed at his pranks, more than not, and the reprimands he got when he went too far were not nearly as punitive as Odin's punishments. They took time to _explain_ why his actions were not acceptable, when needed, and gave him exercises to develop better control when things just got away from him.

Currently, he had been set the task of obscuring himself; there had been a few... issues... with illusions gaining a life of their own. (The incident with the monster in the swimming hole was particularly memorable. Once he'd recovered from the unexpectedly heavy drain on his Seidr, he'd been given a long lecture and series of books to read on why and how, exactly, he could have seriously - permanently - damaged himself.) The Healers had decided he needed to improve his total awareness of every bit of his Seidr - where it was being used, how it was moving, what was affecting and drawing on it. Everything. Practice in keeping all he feels and thinks and _is_ contained within set boundaries would improve his control and awareness. The fact that it would also mask him from most forms of Scrying and Sight was a bonus that would be useful in battles and reconnaissance. His teacher hinted that once he was able to hold a mask for a solid month - day and night - without having to actually pay attention to it, there would be a reward: he would be given an important secret that would lead to a new kind of magic. That alone was more than enough incentive to throw his full efforts into mastering these exercises.

***~~~**~~*~*~~**~~~***

Odin was displeased. Not that that was unusual regarding Loki. 

Heimdal had been keeping a close eye on his wayward son, giving regular, detailed reports. There had been assorted minor trouble from Loki, and the Elves had been ridiculously lenient in chastising him. Each trouble was a new one, however, so apparently they were still managing to get through to Loki somehow. It galled Odin that Frigga had been right about it, that the Elves could curb Loki's chaotic nature and teach him self-control. 

But now? This was unacceptable - Loki had disappeared from Heimdal's sight. It was only for an hour or so, and appeared to be merely a side effect of some lesson he was being given. It was bad enough _Loki_ could disappear, but it raised the question of how many of Alfheim's mages Heimdal never saw. They could be planning anything and Asgard would never know. Alfheim had long been an ally of Asgard - they had disagreements, but nothing warranting great distrust. On the other hand, you could only be betrayed by those you trusted. So now he had to make a decision: decree they should not teach Loki such things and let them know Heimdal was not as all-seeing as rumored (also showing them his own lack of trust), or say nothing and risk they already knew and were using it.

As days passed Loki more and more frequently slipped out of Heimdal's sight for increasingly longer periods of time. Odin grew increasingly upset, and decided he'd best take it up with Frigga. She would at least know whether the Elfen mages knew of the effect.

Frigga laughed when he brought his concerns to her. "It is nothing to be concerned with, husband mine. Loki accidentally put too much of himself into an illusion and fell unconscious from the drain. His teacher was able correct the issue and has set him a series of practices to become more aware of such things before they become problems. Once he reaches a level of proficiency at monitoring his Seidr, they will move on to other subjects. The effect of shielding someone from Sight is well known, but such shields require a certain level of concentration and cannot be held indefinitely, nor can most major workings be done while under one. They also hide little beyond the mage in question. You need not worry that allies are using them to hide while conspiring behind your back. I am receiving regular updates on Loki's progress, and if Heimdal cannot tell you of our son, I will."

"I am more concerned what he could be getting up to while out of Heimdal's Sight. He is a continual troublemaker, who knows what he could be plotting?"

"His teachers and foster family know what he gets up to, nor is it your responsibility to rein him in while he is there. They are dealing with whatever minor mischief he causes. Loki is not evil, nor do his plots extend beyond a bit of fun. He is yet a child, trust him in that much, at least. A little trust and a little praise will go a long way in keeping his loyalty, Odin-King. So long as you give him the support he needs, you need not fear he will use this ability against you. Indeed, the ability to avoid detection is a useful one for a King to have in his arsenal. Merely tell Loki you have heard he is doing well at his studies and expect he will continue to do so.  
"And do not be too concerned if Loki continues to mask his presence from time to time. Loki has been able to sense when Heimdal's eyes are on him for over a century, now. Heimdal may not be hostile toward him, but the feeling is the same - like being watched by a predator waiting to pounce or an enemy preparing to take the shot; like you are about to get a knife in the back or an arrow in the head. Do not make an issue of him taking a break from that. You know from your warring days that being in hostile territory for a long campaign either makes you paranoid or numbs your senses - you come to either blindly attack at the least sound or react too slowly to a genuine threat when you have too long felt eyes on your back. Without Heimdal's eyes constantly upon him, he can know that when he feels someone watching him it truly does mean he should be on alert."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hasn't changed too much from what's in the main crossover story - a few details added. The next chapter will be where new material starts showing up more.

It had been hard to keep the obscuring masks up continually, and Loki was glad, in a way, that the exercise had been modified. His mother had apparently gotten in touch with his teachers, and the trial period had been decreased from one month to ten days. He knew he could eventually work up to a full month, though, and felt vaguely cheated. He'd finished the shortened practice period and been ordered to spend three days not practicing at all. Part of him felt that he had failed, that he just wasn't good enough and they were patronizing him. It left a sour taste in his mouth and a shadow over his mood. He'd been promised a proper explanation, though, and today he was getting it. 

He was surprised to see not one, but two of the Healers waiting with Yven, his primary teacher, and the implications of that immediately worried him. The only times more than one Healer had been involved in lessons previously had been either lessons _on Healing_ , or potentially very dangerous ones where immediate intervention was the only way to keep someone from accidentally dying. 

"Loki," Yven began, "please obscure yourself." 

Her grave face and serious tone worried him further, but he had learned to trust his teachers and followed the order without question. She immediately relaxed. "Today's lesson will be difficult for you, and I apologize in advance," she said, obscuring herself as well, and began walking, indicating that he should follow. One of the Healers joined them, the other stayed behind. That seemed a little odd.

"You are aware that you are currently unSeen by Heimdal, correct?" He nodded. "Heimdal is loyal to Odin and Odin alone. We will be starting lessons that you must practice only when hidden from his sight, and I would recommend never practicing while on Asgard. But first, there are things you need to know that Odin must not know you are aware of. None of us, not even your mother, know why Odin refuses to tell you what I am about to impart, but you have a right to know.  
"To prevent Heimdal from alerting Odin to your new knowledge, you MUST maintain your mask, despite the emotional effects my words are likely to cause. We have no idea what he would do if he knew this secret had been told. You may consider this your final test for this skill. Believe me that it is at least as difficult to hold a mask when you are experiencing strong emotions as it is to maintain a long-term mask. You have already shown you can do that, and longer times require only practice.  
"Margol has stayed behind to create the impression that you are still in that room so Heimdal will not look elsewhere for you. We will return at the end of the lesson to further the impression you never left - there is more than one way to trick the All-Seer's Sight." A half-smile quirked her lips. 

They had come to the gardens, and Loki breathed in the scents of herbs and flowers as they walked slowly along one of the gently curving paths. It relaxed him, as always. His teachers always took good care of him, and Yven was obviously trying to make whatever was coming as pleasant as possible for him. Which, really, just made it all the more likely that this test was, indeed, a difficult one.

"First: the reason we shortened your trial period is that Odin became suspicious, even alarmed, that you could slip from Heimdal's sight. Frigga calmed him, but it is best he thinks you - and by extension we - cannot long maintain an obscuring mask. Odin uses the magic of Asgard - that which he arrogantly calls the Odinforce - for many things, but does not truly understand it. You will be far safer if he underestimates what you can do." Yven paused, waiting for Loki to acknowledge he understood. 

It hurt, slightly, but he had known for a long time that his father didn't trust him, didn't really seem to like him much. He took a deep breath, and nodded his acceptance as he exhaled. 

She indicated one of the garden benches along the path, and they sat. Loki cuddled against her side when she offered an open arm. He needed the closeness, the feeling of safety and warmth she offered. He'd long been taught that such was weakness, but he'd learned here to accept comfort from others. The Elves didn't consider it weakness; they considered it a way of strengthening each other. The Healer who had accompanied them busied himself nearby, tending and harvesting the plants.

"Second: you are not Odin's son-by-blood. He adopted you at the end of the Jotun war." Yven continued, watching him closely. "This changes nothing of the past. Frigga loves you as her own and has long wanted to tell you this. Odin, for reasons we do not fully know, bound her to silence on the matter. She literally cannot speak to you of this. She found a way around the geas by having us tell you. It took her several years of work and much pain to accomplish even this much, and you must not ever discuss the matter directly with her. Not by written nor by spoken word. She loves you with all her heart; trust in this." She paused, giving Loki time to take in her words, knowing they would hurt. 

It was like the foundations of his life had tilted, slightly. Everything was just a little skewed and off-kilter. Mental vertigo hit and left him dizzy, his world spinning. It took far longer, this time, for him to regain his composure, and he found himself curled on his teacher's lap, being held close as tears threatened to fall. It hurt... but it explained so much of ~~his father's~~ _Odin's_ bias toward Thor. He focused on the warmth of the sunlight and Yven's arms, the scents of the garden and deliberately relaxed again, willing his thought to settle into a new pattern before nodding his readiness to continue.

"I need you to check your mask, now, Loki. There is one thing more I must tell you, and I fear it will be the hardest for you to hear and the most likely to break your concentration and leave you revealed to Heimdal's Sight. I am right here, and can hide you for a brief time if your mask fails, but it will not be ideal. I am sorry in advance, but this truly is for your benefit." He really didn't like where this was going, but steeled himself, shoring up his mask as best he could, and making sure the mechanisms for keeping it intact even while sleeping were as strong as he could manage.

"Odin has hidden your heritage and the manner of your adoption from you. You were taken from the ruins of a temple, at the end of the sacking of Jotumheim's capital." He looked at her uncomprehendingly, not daring to think what she could mean. "Loki, you are not Aesir."

No, please don't say it

"You are Jotun."

He cracked.

***~~~**~~*~*~~**~~~***

Loki came back to himself slowly, the pungent scent of crushed herbs filling his senses. Softly murmured words filled his ears and he became aware of arms holding him close to a warm body and a gentle hand stroking his back. His eyes were sore and gummy with tears, and his throat hoarse from his cries, but he was too worn out to feel more than a dull ache. 

A different hand briefly stroked his hair, and suddenly the words around him began making sense again.

"-ook that better than I'd feared, but I'm glad you were here, Amit. I think he nearly lost his Self for a moment, there." 

Amit? ...Aaamiiitt... that was... someone's name? he thought.

A deep chuckle. "It always pays to be prepared. He's coming around, now. He'll be fine given time. I'll prepare some calming teas. He should drink them tonight, at least, and have them on hand for the next few days while he sorts himself out. Bornia will have him in for some meditations this evening, as well.  
"He's got that mask down pretty well - hardly showed a crack; you might consider starting him on actual shields. He's got such strength of will for one so young. I don't think even Master Osgrne will be his match once he's fully grown into his power. If his talents were even a hair more geared toward healing, I'd take him off your hands so fast you'd lose a finger. But this one is Fire and Mischief and Chaos through and through. He'll change the world, just wait and see." 

The hand stroked his hair again, accompanied by another chuckle, this time met with a rumble from the chest he was being held to. Oh, right, Yven had been holding him. Amit must be the Healer. He opened his eyes... tried to open his eyes. The lashes were stuck uncomfortably and he raised his hand to clear them.

"Welcome back, Loki. And congratulations on holding your mask. It cracked a little but did not fail. Given your reaction to the news I shared, that is very, very impressive. Had we remained where we began, you'd likely have been seen - or at least your presence noted. I don't think more than that would have escaped. You did very well. I am so proud of you, and your mother will be, too."

His breath hitched at that, though he couldn't say whether it was from the praise or mention of his mother.

"I had promised you a new area of study when you passed this test, had I not?" Loki nodded dully. He couldn't quite find the excitement the promise had stirred in him before. He vaguely hoped that maybe when he wasn't so tired he'd feel that way again. "We will first be reviewing proper Anchoring, then move to Shielding - which builds off masks. And when you are more settled, and have come to terms with ... everything, we will begin practicing Ice Magic. It is an ability inherent to the Jotun, whether or not they are Seidr users. It cannot be dampened or bound the way Seidr can, though there are other ways of producing similar limitations. Jotun mages are often skilled at Shapeshifting, as well, so you just might have two new abilities to work with." 

Loki shivered slightly at the reminder of the sort of monster he was and Yven's arms tightened briefly in reassurance. He could hear the rueful smile in her voice, though, when she added "I'm sure you'll find changing your shape useful for all sorts of mischief. And since it is not widely known you have those abilities, you'll likely get away with far more than you should. I do ask that you be extra careful, though. Having a hidden dagger, so to speak, is useful in far more than just pranks." 

Oh... that's true. Maybe it would be enough.

***~~~**~~*~*~~**~~~***

"Please focus, Loki. We must review your Anchors." Bornia scolded him lightly. "We have been over this previously: A Mage must know his Self, the boundaries of his mind and soul and Seidr. It is vital for any safe working of Seidr, particularly as you move into more complex workings."

"I already know that. We spent my first six weeks on Alfheim going over Anchoring even though I learned from my mother. You wanted to test my knowledge, and make sure I had gotten the lessons. I've already done this. Why must we do it all again?" Loki was almost ready to cry in frustration. He'd been almost pleasantly numb the first few days after learning just what Odin had kept from him. Now he wanted to weep and rage and hide from the world and burn it all down, all at once. Bornia and Yven had been so patient with him the last few weeks - he _knew_ they were concerned and trying to help... but it didn't make it better. 

"I know, Loki. You did show fair mastery when you arrived, but your knowledge of your Self has been altered. Your heritage was deliberately kept from you and learning the truth has unsettled your sense of self more than you will admit. Remember, a Mage cannot afford to lie to himself. Lie to whomever else you choose, but never to yourself. And you're best off not lying to your teacher, either, when asked about your state of self. I know your emotions are all askew. It shows in your Seidrwork. I also know that finding your Self again will settle your emotions, but waiting for your emotions to settle will do nothing to regain your Self.  
"We will work on other things as well, I promise. Unlike the first time, I know that you understand Anchoring. We will not be spending hours upon hours on it. This is not about relearning the _theory_. You must learn anew where you end and the universe begins, and we can do that through other exercises and study in addition to these meditations. But the meditations _are_ necessary right now. If you will focus, and set aside your complaints, you will find this part goes quickly. Now, close your eyes, take a deep breath, find your Center." 

***~~~**~~*~*~~**~~~*** 

"Amit, have you a bit of time? I could use your advice." 

The Healer looked up at the sound of Yven's voice. "Of course. For you I always have time." 

She smiled, briefly. "It's about Loki. He's settling back into himself and we're working on accessing his Jotun abilities, but..." 

"He's still unwilling to accept that part of himself? I suspect Odin ensured the rampant distrust and hatred the Aesir hold toward our colder colleagues was harped upon by his previous tutors. Frigga's husband is a thoroughgoing bastard, after all." 

"The Jotun were quite thoroughly demonized, yes, and we're working through it as best we can. Unfortunately, there's worse." Amit raised his eyebrow at that, and Yven couldn't help the grimace - it was already bad enough. "There is a binding on Loki's power. It is almost certainly the One-eyed King's work as it is tied to Asgard's magic. I do not dare break it, as he would notice when Loki next goes home. I fear the consequences for Loki." 

"How _dare_ he?! That power-mad old wolf goes too far with this! First hiding truths about the boy's heritage and now this? Did the old fool _**WANT**_ him driven mad when the truth eventually came out? Because it inevitably would." 

"I don't know, Amit, and the possibility terrifies me! Even bound, Loki's Seidr is remarkably strong, and he's not yet fully grown into it. Losing control when fully adult would have been catastrophic, and Odin _can't_ be ignorant of that.  
"If I'm giving the benefit of the doubt, I'd say the binding was to keep everyone around him safe until Loki could learn some measure of control. If his Seidr was sufficiently strong as an infant, that's what I would do. But given everything else - the lies and cultivated ignorance... I'm not sure the benefit of the doubt is warranted. Particularly as it is chiefly his Jotun abilities that are bound through a spell that keeps him in Aesir form, though his Seidr is affected as well." 

"I'll take a look, of course. Perhaps we can find a way to temporarily remove the binding?" 

"We could remove it, certainly, and make a new binding as well. But as I said, it's tied into Asgard's magic in some way. We could not replicate that signature, and the difference would be noted." 

"Would it, though? Odin is a mage of some ability, but not particularly well trained. He always preferred strength of arms over strength of mind. If not for wresting the magic of Asgard to his control, he'd have barely mediocre power at best. Would he truly notice the difference?" 

"We have to assume he would. He's paranoid enough to check." 

"I suppose you're right at that. Perhaps we could arrange an 'accident' requiring advanced healing and remove the binding as part of it?" 

"No. Absolutely not. Any accident bad enough for that extensive of healing would get Loki recalled to Asgard - where Odin would undoubtedly replace it. And I'd not risk Loki's life like that anyway." 

"True. If we were that desperate, such subterfuge would be pointless. Still, he needs to be able to practice. Perhaps we could transfer it to another? Keep the spell intact and move it to a different target?" 

"I'm not sure that is even possible, but we could look into it." 

"We should get Loki involved as well. He's bright enough to possibly help, and deserves to know besides. We can pass the lessons off as a study of healing magics." 

"That might work. I have no better ideas in any case. Thank you, Amit. I'll make the arrangements and inform Frigga of our concerns. Perhaps she will be able to give us a hint or two." 

"Well, be careful. She doesn't need to suffer trying to force words past that geas. Perhaps she'd be able to tell us if anyone else has any knowledge of it more easily than to speak of it directly." 


End file.
